Mr Middle Earth
by Nina aka The Author
Summary: Galadriel is your host in the Mr. Middle Earth Beauty Pageant! Who will become Mr. Middle Earth?
1. Talent Competition

Not quite sure where this one came from. Basically I was bored and didn't want to do my homework, so I was working on another fanfic, and came up with the concept of this one. This is only a preview of the final story, so not only would I like you to enjoy this, I need your reviews, particularly on the characterization bit, and also, very specifically, what was funny and what wasn't. Not that anyone will...I'm just dreaming...

As is necessary to mention, I don't own squat, no characters, nothing. Enjoy.

-_the Author

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**Scene Two**

Galadriel: Okay, ladies, we started out the show with ten boys and we still have nine to go. It's time for the Talent Show. Gentlemen, start your talents! First up is Aragorn with the no-mercy-Orc-killing!

Aragorn: _flashes his sword_

Arwen: He could do with a better sword.

Aragorn: _swordfights with an Orc_

Orc: _throws a shield at him_

Aragorn: _is pinned against a tree, trying to shove the shield away_

Orc: _swings sword to decapitate_

Lothiriel: I can't look!

Aragorn: _ducks_

Orc: _makes out with his sword_

Aragorn: _stabs him_

Orc: _pulls sword farther in_

Aragorn: _cuts off his head_

Lothiriel: Is it over?

Crowd: _cheers_

Eowyn and Arwen: Yeah, Aragorn! You rock! You're the best guy ever!

Galadriel: Now we have Frodo Baggins with his magic "disappearing act!"

Frodo: _takes out the Ring, puts it on his finger, and disappears_

Crowd: WHOA!

Frodo: _takes off his Ring and screams_

Aragorn: _drags him offstage_

Galadriel: Very impressive, Frodo! Now, Meriadoc Brandybuck for his piece he calls "killing an orc."

Eowyn: What an original title.

Orc: _attacks_

Merry: _hops on him, stabs his stomach, slits his throat, and jumps off_

Orc: _falls over_

Crowd: _applauds_

Galadriel: Bloody well done, Merry. And now for Faramir, with his monologue entitled "Why I'm a Good Guy And You Should Like Me."

Faramir: His sense of duty was no less than yours, I deem. You wonder what his name is, where he comes from, and if he really was evil at heart. What lies or threats led him on this long march from home, or he would not rather have stayed there... in peace? _(pause)_ War will make corpses of us all.

Crowd: _politely applauds_

Eowyn: Yeah, so, that was boring. Let's bring Aragorn back on to do some more no-mercy killings.

Arwen: Stay away from him, he's mine.

Eowyn: I saw him first!

Arwen: Did not!

Galadriel: And now, Samwise Gamgee will be showing us "carrying Mr. Frodo up Mt. Doom."

Samwise: Then let us be rid of it! Come on, Mr. Frodo, I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you! _Carries Frodo up Mt. Doom_

Rosie: Yeah, baby! That was hot! _Whistles_

Eowyn: Very well done.

Arwen: Yes, very.

Lothiriel: I cried.

Galadriel: And now for Gimli's talent, which is, um, Gimli, what is your talent?

Gimli: Talent?

Galadriel: Yes, your talent. Something you do.

Gimli: I do something?

Galadriel: Yes.

Gimli: I, um, make jokes about Elves.

Galadriel: And Gimli is disqualified from the running! Don't worry, ladies, you'll still have to eliminate someone else from the running! Gimli is followed by Legolas Greenleaf with his "never-ending quiver of arrows."

Crowd: _goes wild_

Legolas: My love for you is like my quiver of arrows! Never ending…

Rosie: The Author got that from legendaryfrog!

Legolas: _shoots arrows into the crowd_

Crowd: _goes wild_

Two hours later: _still shooting arrows_

Arwen: Why aren't those arrows killing anybody?

Galadriel: I think we get the idea, Legolas, thank you. And now, Eomer of Rohan will be performing "the Destruction of Two Oliphaunts Using One Well-Aimed Spear."

Eomer: _throws a spear at the driver of an Oliphaunt, causing the Oliphaunt to fall onto another Oliphaunt_

Crowd: _cheers_

Eomer: Yes! I have purpose!

Lothiriel: That was so sexy the way his muscles rippled when he threw that spear. And his eyes were wild. Like those are the sexiest eyes ever.

Galadriel: Peregrin Took, with his Orc-Call!

Pippin: _twists a bone so the entire skeleton falls down a well, creating a lot of noise_

Thousands of Orcs: _invade_

Pippin: Ohcrap.

Galadriel: Thank you! _Security!_ And now, Grima Wormtongue, what's your piece called?

Grima: It's called "betraying my country and king in favor of some gold, land, and a really nice piece of ass." Hi, Eowyn!

Eomer: I'm gonna kill you…

Galadriel: No need to demonstrate. We understand. Thank you. Ladies? We saw Gimli disqualified because he didn't really do anything, now who will be eliminated in the TALENT ROUND?

Judges: _confer_

Galadriel: Ladies? Have you made your choice?

Rosie: That guy with no eyebrows.

Eowyn: Grima Wormtongue.

Lothiriel: He's just scary to look at.

Galadriel: Okay, Grima, it was, um, well, bye. Okay, time fore a recap. Boromir was eliminated in the first round for being butt-ugly, Gimli has been disqualified for not really doing anything, and Grima Wormtongue was eliminated for, um, being a traitorous creep. All that we have left are Aragorn, son of Arathorn-

Arwen and Eowyn: Ow-ow!

Galadriel: -Frodo Baggins, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Faramir, Samwise Gamgee-

Rosie: _whistles_

Galadriel: -Legolas Greenleaf, Eomer of Rohan-

Lothiriel: Whoohoo!

Galadriel: -And Peregrin Took. Next round: the swimsuit competition.


	2. The Swimsuit Round

Wow, it's been forever. Hopefully this will live up to your standards - enjoy!

Okay, finally, here it is: The Swimsuit Round! I don't own anything...naddathing!

-_The Author

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Galadriel: Welcome back to the Mr. Middle Earth Beauty Pageant! And now, I'm sure the ladies are all quivering with excitement for the Swimsuit Round!

The Men: _all come out dressed in swim trunks_

Galadriel: With Aragorn in a very nice set of pants, what's that? Is that…an Evenstar on his…um…never mind.

Arwen: Heehee. He's mine.

Eowyn: Is not!

Rosie: You can really tell he's a King now, can't you?

Lothiriel: I'm not looking.

Galadriel: Next is Frodo Baggins in his…very…nice cotton drawers….

Frodo: Look, I know I'm a bit shabbier than I used to be. If someone had told me there was going to be a swimsuit competition...

Lothiriel: Still not looking.

Galadriel: Thank you, Frodo, for that nice...round...image. Now for Meriadoc Brandybuck in what looks to be a swimsuit that's actually be used for swimming!

Merry: Brandybucks swim, you know.

Lothiriel: I don't even want to know.

Galadriel: Good show, Merry! Now for Faramir in his grey trunks. Oh my…

Eowyn: Wow, look at all those scars. He's been in a lot of battles. It's like a map or something. Leading right down to his...

Galadriel: Now for Samwise Gamgee.

Rosie: They called him fat. Fat! Hah! That's not fat! He's just big...boned!

Galadriel: Legolas Greenleaf, in his…green leaf.

Crowd: _goes wild_

Lothiriel: I can't look! I'm not looking!

Galadriel: I'm sorry to say that Legolas has been disqualified for not wearing a swimsuit. However, Legolas will be available for autographs and pictures after the show. Moving on, Eomer of Rohan, looking really well-built. Wowza.

Eomer: It's all that fighting to protect my home and family.

Lothiriel: _melts_

Galadriel: And now Peregrin Took wearing - nothing at all.

Merry: _laughs_

Pippin: Merry! Merry, you told me this was alright!

Merry: The big one! The big one!

Galadriel: Off the stage! You're disqualified!

Pippin: You're coming, too, aren't you, Merry?

Galadriel: So that's two disqualified. Which will the judges choose to eliminate legally: Aragorn, Frodo, Merry, Faramir, Sam, or Eomer?

Judges: _discuss_

Rosie: The judges have decided that Frodo is to be eliminated.

Galadriel: Alright, Frodo, you're outta here.

Frodo: I can't go on…?

Galadriel: No, you can't. Alright, ladies, five men still remain. Which one will receive the Crown of Andor? You will decide, after the DIRECT QUESTION ROUND.


	3. The Final Decision

Final Chapter! Sorry it's been so long, but, I have no excuse (besides being out of town for four days). Thanks for all your reviews! Once again, I don't own squat...

_Random preemptive note: For some reason, I'm afraid I'm going to get tons of emails about this. I know that Sam and Rosie had thirteen kids, not nine, but that seems like a bit much to ask even a hobbit woman, ya know?_

Enjoy!

-_The Author_

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Galadriel: Well, I hope you enjoyed that message from our sponsors! And now it's nearly time to decide who is Mr. Middle Earth! But first: the direct-question round. It has been decided that Eowyn will be asking the questions for the direct-question round. 

Eowyn: Alright. Hi. So. Aragorn-

Aragorn: Mr. Dunedain.

Eowyn: Yes. You're hot. Um. Mr. Dunedain, according to this notecard the first question is "Where would you take a girl on a first date?"

Aragorn: I suppose it would be a pleasant night of feasting and conversation at her father's house.

Arwen: _shiny teeth_

Rosie: Oh, come on!

Eowyn: I agree, that sounds really boring, actually. Okay, next question. What do you think is your best feature?

Aragorn: I don't know. I have so many excellent features, for instance, my strong chin, my beautiful, wise grey eyes, my intelligence, my lineage, my strong chin, my broad shoulders, my sense of humor, my modesty…I'll have to go with my modesty.

Rosie: Aren't there any more interesting questions?

Eowyn: Let me look. Um. Here's one: if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

Aragorn: What?

Rosie: What?

The Crowd: What?

Arwen: THE WHITE TREE OF GONDOR.

Aragorn: That. The White Tree of Gondor.

Rosie: He's boring! Let's bring out the next contestant!

Merry: And that would be me.

Eowyn: Alright. Hi there. You're – short, aren't you?

Merry: I'm taller than Pip.

Eowyn: Okay. First question: "Where would you take a girl on your first date?"

Merry: Oh, I don't know…I think I'd take her on my private yacht around the lake. We'd eat, get a tan, eat, watch the sunset while eating, it'd be fun.

Eowyn: And what do you think is your best feature?

Merry: My playfulness.

Eowyn: You rehearsed these questions ahead of time, didn't you?

Merry: I'm just that rich.

Galadriel: That's three questions! Next is Mr. Ithilien, Faramir of Gondor.

Faramir: Hi, I'm Faramir, the second-most-powerful man in Gondor.

Eowyn: Hi, I'm Eowyn, Lady of Rohan. Where would you take a girl on a first date?

Faramir: Hmm…I know this lovely spot in the Gardens where we could have a picnic and, well, "watch the sunset" without being disturbed.

Rosie: _catcalls_

Faramir: It's very romantic.

Eowyn: What do you think is your best quality?

Faramir: Well, do you mean physically? Because physically speaking, I think that my gorgeous bright blue eyes are very striking.

Eowyn: Indeed.

Faramir: But that's just shallow. A lot of people say that my shooting skills are above par, but what's par? And my close-range fighting skills I honed simply out of necessity. And that whole leadership thing – pffh. I only became a Captain of the Rangers to get away from my sickly father and the brother than I could never live up to. Above all, I think, what I actually deserve praise for my intelligence and open-mindedness.

Eowyn: What do you mean?

Faramir: What I mean is that I'm a scholar, and that's my favorite part of my personality. For instance, here's a sonnet from Elven lore, about a beautiful maiden with blonde hair and blue eyes holding a notecard who's just dazzling.

Eowyn: …

Faramir: It goes like this: _ahem_

Rosie: We don't want to hear poetry! Ask him some dirty questions!

Eowyn: Right. Um. Will you make out with me?

Faramir: With pleasure.

Galadriel: That's illegal! Both contestant and judge are disqualified!

Faramir and Eowyn: _exit_

Galadriel: Alright, next up is Sam. Here, Rosie, why don't _you_ ask the questions now?

Rosie: Alright. Um. Well. Hi.

Sam: Hi.

Rosie: So, you're a big fellow.

Sam: I am? I've always thought I was sort of stout.

Frodo: Stout-HEARTED.

Galadriel: You've been eliminated, Mr. Hobbiton! Get off the stage!

Rosie: Right. Well. Anyway.

Sam: Are you nervous?

Rosie: This is a lot harder than it looks. What questions did Eowyn ask? Oh, right. Where would you take a girl on a first date?

Sam: Well, I dunno. I go on a lot of rambles and all, but I've always thought a date should be in a sort of sit-down place and the only place I know of would be the Green Dragon where you, uh, work, so that wouldn't, uh, work.

Rosie: What do you mean?

Sam: Nothing. Nothing at all.

Rosie: Um, what's the next question Eowyn asked?

Sam: What do you think is your best feature.

Rosie: Right. What do you think is your best feature?

Sam: Dunno. I like my hands. They're good and strong and they work the ground really well.

Rosie: They're big, too.

Sam: What does that mean?

Rosie: I'm not sure. I just know it's a good thing. Where do you see yourself in ten years?

Sam: Married with children.

Rosie: How many children?

Sam: How many do _you_ want?

Rosie: Nine.

Sam: I'll go with nine.

Rosie: What kind of a girl do you think you'll marry?

Sam: Um, I dunno, you.

Rosie: What?

Sam: I mean…

Rosie: I love you too.

Sam: Really?

Rosie: Yeah.

Sam: 'Cause I've loved you for, like, ever.

Rosie: Awww!

Sam and Rose: _exit_

Galadriel: At this rate, we'll run out of judges before decision time. Alright, Eomer, you're up and…hmm…Arwen or Lothiriel? We'll go with the virgin Lothiriel. Absolutely nothing can go wrong there. Lothiriel, you interview him.

Lothiriel: Hi.

Eomer: Hi.

Lothiriel: So, where do you think you'd take a girl on your first date?

Eomer: Let's see…"feasting with her father" has already been taken, oh darn. And Faramir's stolen the sexual innuendoes.

Lothiriel: You could actually be honest.

Eomer: I could. Okay, I'd take her kiting.

Lothiriel: What?

Eomer: Kiting.

Lothiriel: You mean it's not going to do with horses?

Eomer: No. But I do like horses.

Lothiriel: Me too.

Galadriel: The judge is receiving a warning.

Lothiriel: Oh. Okay. Well. What do you think is your best feature?

Eomer: Everyone says "eyes," don't they?

Lothiriel: This is true.

Eomer: I'm going to go with eyes anyway.

Lothiriel: Excellent choice. Now…if you were…a tree…what sort of tree…would you be…stop laughing!

Eomer: It rhymes!

Lothiriel: Stop that! Answer the question!

Eomer: I can't! It's a stupid question!

Lothiriel: I know! Answer the question anyway!

Eomer: I don't know…a pear tree. So I could eat the fruit.

Lothiriel: You'd eat yourself?

Eomer: That's true. Hmm…

Lothiriel: This really is a stupid question. Okay, new question. Er…let's see…the notecard says…"What is the first thing you notice in a woman?"

Eomer: Well, every woman is different, but looking at you, I'd have to say that your lips very attractive.

Lothiriel: Really? I've never thought about them.

Eomer: They are.

Lothiriel: Thanks.

Eomer: In fact: _kisses her._

Galadriel: IT'S LIKE YOU PEOPLE ARE _TRYING_ TO GET DISQUALIFIED.

Arwen: A more likely factor is that the Author is really really _really_ into shipping.

The Author: Or is really, really, _really_ bored.

Galadriel: Judges! Excuse me, the single judge left, but you now have to make the final decision. The audience has given their input (and if you didn't, shame on you, you had over a week to vote, people!), and it's now time for you to decide!

Arwen: What, a choice between hairy-foot and Aragorn! That's easy! Aragorn!

Galadriel: That was, fortunately, the popular choice as well! Congratulations, Aragorn! You win the crown of Andor!

Arwen: And my heart!

Aragorn: That wasn't in the original agreement, but I'll take it!

Everyone: _sings_

Out of the Great Sea

To Middle Earth I am come

In this place I will abide

And my heirs

Unto the ending of the world!


End file.
